Inside sources from College Green state that Theresa May will be spending her Easter holidays in Italy, a country she has a particular fondness for.

An Italian break(****) for Theresa and her hubby

Although May’s exact date of arrival and places she will stay at have not been officially revealed I have it on firm authority from the owner of a prestigious Bagni di Lucca hotel that she will be spending some of her time in our lovely valley at the Terme.

May is known to be an enthusiastic walker and my friend who works in a local bookshop and newsagent has told me he has already received an order from 10 Downing Street requesting trekking maps to be sent there.

Bagni di Lucca is well-known for bombshell visits from heads and ex-heads of government – Ed Miliband was spotted at Bar Italia not that long ago – and it’s no surprise that May has chosen Bagni di Lucca  to enjoy its sylvan scenes and fine spring climate.

In expectation of May’s visit, and to tempt her with their delicious ice cream, another familiar bar is dusting down its tavola da billiardo ( ‘pool table’ to monolingual brits). It’s well-known that Theresa May recently played pool with Italian Prime Minister Giuseppe Conte (and lost). Rumours have it that Conte might even join May at Bagni di Lucca as she appreciated his hints on how to play a more effective game. (However, I can’t count on that…)

Anyway, if May doesn’t go down too well with playing pool she may well take up the offer of going into that other kind of pool at Villa Ada, which I am told, is undergoing some hectic renovations.

Bar conversation is already alive with news of May’s impending visit. However, not everyone here is happy. Remainers feel that she, as a former remainer, has let them down by not sticking to her original colours.

Greater trouble, however, may come from local leavers – the ‘Brexit believers’. As one of them lately declared in an animated chat at Bar Italia – the haunt of ‘brexiteers’ as this cult’s members (who trust in the second coming of Lord Clive and the re-establishment of The Empire) are called:

“May never wanted to leave; she should be beheaded and we should have left by now  … So f*ck*d up!! We need to be out .. so angry right now ..”

To which a remainer replied: “What? Out of the shackles of the EU into the stronger shackles of China, the US of A and any other country that can get visas, visas and more visas, cheapo trade deals and even cheaper cheapo labour out of a beleaguered child-poverty-stricken, asset-stripped, epidemic knife-crimed, zero-contracted, snail-paced growth since 2016 and huge wealth-gapped UK…..???. And you partaking of all the benefits Italy and the EU can offer you and…anyway, Theresa cannot be beheaded as capital punishment was abolished in GB in 1965…although in Northern Ireland it lasted until 1973.”

At this stage a fight broke out in the bar and chairs started flying, effectively stopping any further rational conversation. The intervention of a retired policeman from Essex, a reclusively unctuous classicist and a white-van driver did not help either.

I am quite sure, however, that the local Carabinieri will ensure, with their prompt attention and smart uniforms, that May will enjoy her walks, eating ice-cream, drinking prosecchi (not proseccos!) and playing pool, either on a table or in the water, in peace when Bagni di Lucca clasps her distinguished presence to its welcoming bosom.